I assumed a woman liked me, and I got too excited. We fooled around a little, no we didn't go all the way. Then I waited about 4 days before calling her, we spoke for about ten minutes on my lunch break one night. Then this is where I became the biggest doofus in the freakin' world and probably chased her away. I called her the next day because I enjoyed talking to her and would have more time to talk to her at that point. She was busy and said she would call me back...I waited the weekend, and having not heard anything from her I called her today. I got her voicemail and left a message. I just really think I blew it. I know I did, I hate this. I suck at pursuing people, I always screw it up at some point. I either am too eager seeming and chase them away or I am too slow to react and they get tired of waiting. I have no self-confidence and think I am doomed to never procreate. Guys may have just been a lame excuse to stop having to pursue someone, but that didn't work either because I still was doing all the freakin' work. DATING SUCKS!
Posted at 01:00 am by Shus_Solace
I called the guy I had been with the first time since my teen years the other night. I was returning his message from a couple days prior. When I got him on the phone we talked for a couple minutes, and he had mentioned that he was cooking at the time. So after a few minutes he finally said he had to go for fear of burning his dinner. I said okay, and he asked if I would be up later. I said I would be as I was planning on staying in that night and just relaxing. Well, pathetic me I stayed up until about 2:30am, of course I knew once I didn't hear from him by 1am that I was not going to hear from him at all. Yet I sat there anxiously waiting for my phone to ring the whole time. I just want to find out what it is he wants from me. If he just wants an occassional roll in the sack I am fine with that, but tell me so I am not wondering all the time. I need to find a boyfriend though, a guy who will treat me right and will call me more regularly. I mean this lover I had recently was calling me the next day and a few times a week. He seemed so sweet to me the first time I stayed the night at his house. Holy cow, I only stayed the night twice, but it seemed like so much more time together. I am such a ho, I can't believe this realization I am coming to. No wonder he doesn't feel the need to call me. I basically demonstrated I will put out when he wants it. I honestly thought there had been more time spent with him. My goodness, my dating history with him is summed up like this; met and kissed by him in a bar, two weeks later get a haircut, a few days after that drinks after work at his place with him going down on me. Then our first date, dinner at his place, after which I sleep with him twice, and stay the night. A week later date #2, the New Exorcist movie, a short drive, chinese takeout at his place, then I stay the night again putting out both that night and the next morning. Then a few days later try to make plans for the next weekend and that is when communication starts breaking down. Oh my...he probably was just using me, I was just another notch in his bedpost. The saddest part is that he now has me wanting it so much, I keep thinking about what he did to me and I want it again and again. It felt so empassioned and so animalistic, it is probably sad to say this, but just talking about it turns me on. I know I am hungry for it, and I would probably cave and put out if I were to talk to him about this in person. My oh my, I am sounding so pathetic, aren't I?
Posted at 12:54 pm by Shus_Solace
I am now 31 years of age, happy birthday to me. My birthday was this week, and so to celebrate I went out to dinner with my family. Then later in the evening I met up with two of my oldest (not their age, but length of knowing them) male friends for some drinks. While we were at the bar they were checking out our waitress and I was pointing out other women in the bar to them. To be honest however I didn't feel the enjoyment out of such bonding activities. I still find women attractive and check them out from time to time, but I look at them and don't feel the physical responses I used to. Even looking at porn or fantasizing I get little reaction from it unless I am thinking about anal sex with them. My mind seems set on a one track route these days. Yeah I know some people say that it is probably because that I am not getting action from women these days, but I am not getting action from any guys lately either. Things are definitely changing.....
Posted at 10:07 am by Shus_Solace
IF YOU ARE BOTHERED READING THIS ENTRY THEN STOP PLEASE
On my job I have taken a variety from calls, all the way from a cat that had its collar stuck in its mouth and had to have it removed, to a man who said he was thinking of killing himself. I have been on the phone with people who have been stabbed and tried to get information from people who witnessed a shooting. Until this weekend I felt that there was little on this job that could shock my system or get to me emotionally. Then there was this weekend.
Saturday night there was a drowning in our town, a young man age 20 ran into a pond and was unable to swim back out and sadly could not stay above the water either. However, that was not the call that got to me because that didn't come in over the phone. That was called in by an officer that was nearby when someone saw the man struggling. The call that really got to me was the accidental death of a toddler. I am not going to discuss the call really because that would not be fair to my friends who are not used to dealing with the horrible calls I can get. What made the call so difficult was the way it came in over several phone calls, slowly painting a picture for me until the officers and ambulance arrived on scene and then the calls stopped. Then all I was left with was my own mind, and my job. I continued answering phone calls and dispatching calls, but during the down time all I could think about was that call. The call, the child and the parents. It was something no one could be prepared for.
Last night there was a Peer Support Group Critical Incident de-briefing, they gathered most of the people involved in the call from beginning to end. They asked us to discuss our part in the incident and to share our feelings and reactions to what we heard and saw. I almost cried telling my experience being one of the primary call takers. However, hearing the whole story from the other people involved I just felt this weight come off my chest. I still think about the call and probably will for a while, but after the de-briefing I actually was not apprehensive about answering the phone any longer. This is a difficult job, and I thought at points it would be a bit easier being on the side of the firemen or police officers. To actually see the end result and have some kind of closure, but it wouldn't. I only have the voices on the phone to connect me to the call, they have the smells, sights, sounds, everything.
Posted at 12:58 pm by Shus_Solace
Well, I am on the road to discovering myself. Yes, I am confused about my sexuality and I am testing my feelings. I have kissed a man for the first time. It is a new experience for me, and I am learning so much about myself in the past few weeks. I have gone to a gay bar for the first time as well. I still find women attractive, but am finding these new experiences arousing and intriguing. I don't know where any of this will end up taking me. I only know that where ever it leads me I will know more about myself. I just wish I had more people I could share this with. I have held back on even opening up about this on my journals, another reason for the lack of entries. I just don't know how people will react and I really don't want to lose any of the friends I have. I am so afraid that that will be the end result of these experiences should they be found out by people I know locally. I know my guy friends would probably have huge problems with this side of me. As for my coworkers I have seen them joke about gays and homosexuality, but I know in such a conservative environment that such behavior would be the equivalent a scarlet letter on my chest.
Posted at 10:45 am by Shus_Solace
Well I told the person that they seemed much more into me than I was looking for so I broke off communication. I feel much better now. In other news, work is busy and frustrating at times. Sex life is non-existent. Hell I would probably screw a hole in a wall at this point, just kidding! Not that horny. Bills are working themselves out at this point as well, it is still a struggle, but as long as I keep shooting for a few hours of overtime when I can it helps. I am going to be losing my roommate as she will be moving back in with her folks to save money. Which sucks in that I was getting used to having her here, and talking to her, also the extra $$$ was nice. It will be nice to have the place completely to myself again though, and be able to sleep with the bedroom door open wide even when I am nekkid. Other things going on....not much, just making due with what I got. Gonna have to let people come over and take a tour of the place one of these days...it will probably be my next weekend off, probably a sunday, but saturday would be easier return traffic for friends and family that have to travel across the bridges. Ah well we shall see.
Posted at 01:17 pm by Shus_Solace
What would you do if someone you had only met once in person suggested a 60mile road trip in their car? I was faced with that dilemma and I gave in to my nerves and bowed out. I suggested doing something more local where we could meet up, but they took it to mean that I didn't want to hang out with them. I mean was I wrong? Should I have just gone along and let my worries go?....
I don't understand what I should have done or if I did the right thing. My friend believes that if they cared about me at all they would have been understanding about it and gone along with my suggestion. I just don't know.
Posted at 01:13 am by Shus_Solace
So that is what the sound of silence is all about....sheesh. I am sorry everybody, things have been kinda uneventful in my life lately. I am still adjusting to my new work schedule and routine. I have to take more control of my sleep habits though, I haven't been going to bed till after 4am most nights and that has killed my gym routine. I am becoming disgusted with myself. Ugh, man. Fourth of July weekend has come and gone, busiest weekend of the year for me. First one I had to work, having taken vaca on that week the last couple years. The fireworks were a bust from what I heard....fogged out. That was the quietest night of the whole weekend. I was surprised. But was not too surprised with one of the craziest nights being the last night I was working. Man I needed a drink after a couple of those nights. I will write more later today...going to try and catch a movie today though. Later!
Posted at 12:32 pm by Shus_Solace
Went out with a couple of old friends tonight. We drank quite a bit of beer and talked and laughed. It was a good time. It is sad that there is a whole side of me that they will never know, not just because I choose to keep it from them. More because I feel it is something I have to keep from them. For you see I am of the realization that I am bisexual. No, I have not dated men, but I know that there is a side of me that feels a desire to be with men. It will never be fully realized however because I want only a relationship I can share with everyone in my life. I do not want something I feel I have to hide, even for a short time. Also I would not want a relationship that would drive family or friends away from me because they are too important to me. I know I can be happy seeing women. I have been with women in the past that have made me so extremely happy that I couldn't believe I had ever felt such joy. The body of a woman is the most beautiful artwork, it is a living sculpture. So smooth, soft, sensuous, and the scent of a woman is unlike that of anything else. One of my favorite things when I am with a woman is to sit back and watch a woman sleep. I enjoy the company of strippers, there are some wonderful women who strip. I have had fine conversations with strippers before. I understand that they may only be nice to me in some cases because I have the almighty dollar. However, there were some that I had been too several times, and they listen to you, and are interested in what turns you on. They even made me feel good about myself when I was a whopping 360+. One in particular made me feel as if I was not as out of place at that weight as I felt. Women can be mean I am sure, but for the most part I have only seen the better side of the fairer sex.
Posted at 02:09 am by Shus_Solace
I apologize for my not posting lately. I have been busy, and to be honest the new work schedule has thrown me for a bit of a loop so I am a little tired. Things are going well though. I am feeling good about myself, and am keeping busy. I just don't want anyone to worry about me. I am finally starting to see myself as average looking body size-wise. I hope everyone is doing as well and I will try to post some more in the coming days. Sorry once again.
Posted at 01:09 pm by Shus_Solace
